volunteer work

A little pensive as I just finished taking a nice hot shower real quick, shampooed, and got out within 2 1/2 songs on the radio. I dried off, changed clothing, and went back to my room. The dog already escaped and went to her dedicated space; she was no longer resting and waiting for me on the bed. My doggie can be so clingy for human companionship that she followed me to the bathroom door, sniffed loudly under it to let me know she was there and she knew I was in there, then went to her room as if to punish me: "You left me alone? Well, I can do that too! You won't see me when you go back to your room, how about them apples?"

Yes, I believe my dog can talk when no one's around. She's very smart. And belligerant.

In any case, I'm resting before changing into my street clothes and heading over to my volunteer gig. There's nothing more zen to me than chopping and cutting up various veggies and wrapping bagels for a poor person's meal. I can just totally clear my head and focus on the veggies and making sure I don't chop my fingers off or cut myself. And for three hours I can get out of my head and hear other people chat about their lives, giving me a slight window into their worlds.

It's a welcome and productive respite.

Now that I've just found out I'm AFTRA must-join, (or must-pay, because that's essentially what it is) it's even more urgent to find a job that will pay me well, so I can start saving for membership. I hear the dues are going up in November (how nice) so I have to get a move on.

The movie Definitely Maybe is playing as I type this. I was in it, but the two scenes I was in, seemingly completely cut out. Sigh. The world of a background actor. *smile*

Change in Actor Status -- one step closer, madam

Cramps. AUGH.

Got news yesterday. I am AFTRA must-join. WOW!

I can't believe this incredible thing. But if AFTRA tells me, it must be true.

It explains the silence from Central. They have not been forthcoming with information.

Now to figure out how I can work. If not, then office work here I come. On Monday I must contact two agencies and see who will get me work. I would look over Craigslist but it's been disappointing with a lot of schemes to get you to take in money or conduct financial affairs here -- all through your personal bank account. No f-kin way.

In any case, I continue to look. I've given my resume to a few people who know of some who work in HR. I've applied direct to several companies and still silence. Don't know what's going on.

They're showing The Other Boleyn Girl again. It's pretty looking at that time period but of course from a cool distance.

Must figure out my next move. It's coming, good stuff, good times, I can feel it. *smile*

I actually feel hopeful and positive.

times are tough

Phone's not ringing, my normal background agency is not calling me back for anything, and I mean, anything for paid work. Dunno what's going on. I continue to post. I see another judge show coming up. Some of my fellow BG actors have thrown in the towel to take up temp work (temp work is opening up, I can't believe it). I've talked to two agencies and have yet to get together with one (we keep changing the date) and the newest one I just got a lead on to call so I'll do that most likely tomorrow.

I can't believe tomorrow's already Friday. As I type this, I'm hanging out in Queens, visiting some dear family and just finished eating a hearty and healthy lunch of fresh steamed veggies and spicy pork. Delicious! The humidity has tempered off a bit so it's not as hot as it's been for the past two weeks. It's amazing how quickly people bitched about the humidity when we've had one of the coldest wettest summers ever.

People complain just to complain sometimes. Guess it's better than finding an actual solution. Yeah, I should talk.

Got invited to a couple of things that all seem to be converging for the first week of September.

I am stuffed. I'm resting a little so decided to multi-task, get my blog post in and get home, do some wash, and call it a day. Things are pretty slow so I should take advantage of this precious time. I realized for the second time I did not finish the Eat, Pray, Love book, so I figure the book just didn't capture my imagination as I was lead to believe it might. I barely got into India and then ran out of steam, although Italy was cute.

I just can't feel any sympathy for someone who packs in a marriage out of boredom and travels the world to find herself. I am as poor as a churchmouse and can barely gather enough change to ride the subway back and forth for a gig. I can't be envious of a character who would upset her life (not because she was abused or anything, she was simply bored and wondered the "is this all there is"?) and then have the money to go on a world adventure.

Sorry, sour grapes?

In any case, I'm about to sign off this for now. Just checked job sites and it's quiet. Friday should be quiet in any case because those who work are already in 'weekend mode' and don't want to be bothered with returning phone calls and working in great concentration.

back to checking for work

What was really interesting was a post put up and simultaneously cut off as far as people submitting. I haven't checked the phone lines, as that tends to get slightly confusing with the multiple posts that were never bothered to have been erased. That cuts into my phone time waiting for each message only to hear repeats of things outdated and no longer open. Sheesh.

What's the point of having a hotline if you can't update it in a timely manner?

I'm telling you, it's getting rough out there and the attention to detail clearly shows the franticness or lack of attention to detail, the attitude that it gives off is "I don't give a damn because I'm not the one looking for work, you are, so jump for it"

I continue to look for office work as I have a plan and want to follow through with that.

The phone rang this morning for some b.s. company that keeps changing the number it's calling from -- they are notorious for the bait and switch, they write on craigslist all the time, don't identify themselves, change up the ads, and then wonder why people tell them they're not interested once they do identify themselves over the phone, justifying calling you by saying you contacted them when in reality you didn't, you were responding to a blind ad.

Fuckers.

In any case, I can't give up. Must keep looking and submitting for work.

A call out of the blue

Went to an audition today for WebMD. A health segment.

I was feeling iffy, thinking of changing my mind. I had transportation costs to think about and my energy wasn't there. But when the time came, I showered, got dressed, and headed out with my almost five bucks for transportation on the train to the audition place.

When I got there, several other auditions from other casting agencies were going on at the same time in the same floor area. There were kids laughing and talking loudly under the age of 8 for one project, and a bunch of older people for some other gig. I seemed to be part of the group that was in the middle age-wise, that signed in on the sign-in sheet, got my photo taken, and filled out the information about me. I also took an online Q&A test to see if I was right for the role, which was a health segment about diagnosing depression.

The woman next to me joked about how she was being mindful to fill out the 'right' answers since we were to show how depressed we were. I found that funny and laughed.

I guess who wants to admit if they are truly depressed or may have symptoms? It's become more sociably acceptable to state you go to a therapist than state you are depressed.

As we waited outside the rehearsal room door, the casting assistant printed out my results and brought it over it me. Turns out I may have symptoms. Ta-da! So at least I made it through that much.

I read it through. It was pretty wordy and five pages. I thought about what I was going to say and wondered what the audition would be like. Would I have to portray a tearful, tissue wringing person about to be on the verge of hysterical collapse or would I have to be real still, almost statue like, answering questions in a monotone?

I also recalled the interrupted sleep patterns, the anxiety, repetitive thoughts, the worry about finances. And this was giving me inspiration in order to present myself as...myself, quietly and intelligently concerned about what I was suspecting about my health.

So I was able to be real in front of the camera as I was being interviewed by a woman who sat behind the camera and I could tell she was feeling that this wasn't a regular acting thing I was relating. She felt it, and closed her eyes, nodding her head when I hit on the points that were in the printout I was given and about how I felt.

I gave an honest audition. Was it good? I hope so.

Judging by the casting assistant's response, I'm not sure. I know she had a job to do and it's not pleasant having to ask people the same old questions and record them over and over again in some non-descript room lit by flourescent bulbs. She wished me well after we finished. I didn't ask when the decision would come down, and said goodbye to her and the other casting assistant and went on my way.

They say the key to good acting (and what separates good from bad) is when you have a ring of truth in your acting. A part of you has to be in each role you play otherwise you will appear false and not believable. It's not enough to physically be in the role, but mentally and emotionally. It has to come together to ring true.

radio voiceover update

Actually got a response from the voiceover project. They are awaiting a finalization on their project before quoting me a rate.

I didn't think I'd hear anything. They could be b.s.ing me but it was a nice reply. Have yet to get the finished prior project in the mail.

If I get that, then maybe I'll believe they are really waiting on that client before sending me the quote.

Trying not to get too excited about it.

I wish I could be rich enough to pay someone to listen to me complain. I want someone to offer me a way out, or at least bring me viable solutions that are reachable for me. Oh, what the hell.

A part of me wishes someone wise would advise me of the answer that's been in front of me all this time, and that it's obvious and easy to achieve that I breathe a sigh of relief and go "aha! so simple, so blessedly wonderfully simple, I can do that, WOW! no problem YAY doin' it now."

Until that elder arrives with that precious insight, I'm continuing to wade through the transparent sticky jello that is my life situation right now.

Depression ad

So I wrote truthfully to a WebMD potential gig for a health segment about depression. I wrote that in these economic times, I doubt they would have any trouble finding people who were suffering from depression. I know I am.

A friend pointed it out to me. I'm tired all the time, I can't even taste my food anymore, I'm eating sporadically, I'm not really excited about many things. The acting thing is sporadic at best and my limited money flow problems are growing not shrinking. Suffice it to say, things don't look very good and haven't for quite for some time.

I don't do 'poor' well, I admit that. I like knowing I can pay the rent next month and that I'm up to date with all my bills if not paid in full. I like knowing my credit isn't shot to hell and that if I want to buy a candy bar without counting my change three times while inwardly debating if I will have enough money for transportation to the next potential gig, I can do that.

They say if you want something to come to you, either focus on it or don't. In other words, don't force it let it come naturally. Well, what if naturally ain't fast enough and you are behind over a month in your bills? What do you do then?

So back to the WebMD ad. If I answer their questions and I'm to their liking, I can move on to an audition. Doesn't mean I get the role, but they get my information whether I get the job or not. Ain't that something? So I dredge up money to ride the train (which is now $4.50) and show up in hopes that I will have what they are looking for in order to land the job.

What is it that they say, a bird in hand...?

In any case, I take the chance so I don't end up inadvertently regretting it later on and show that I'm making an effort to pull myself out of my hole. Let's see what happens.

as luck would have it

Yes, timing and tenacity are the main things for an actor to have.

Timing tends to be the better of the two.

I was told of the actress that plays Morgana on the new Merlin series that the BBC has (now running as a 'first run' for the summer on NBC in NYC).

Turns out she was a costume person, and was encouraged to pursue acting. Playing Morgana in Merlin is her SECOND gig. Just heard BBC is shooting second season of Merlin. Not bad.

Don't know if she had any acting training but obviously someone felt she was on the wrong side of the entertainment business curtain. Hmm.

finances

Got a call last week from an actual employment agency. A sign that the economy is improving...?

Was given a whole rundown on the job and what they were looking for, and my resume pretty much covers what they are looking for experience wise and attitude wise.

I gave my availability for this week to interview. So we'll see what happens.

The voiceover job never answered my initial response and question on pay rate. So I wrote again late last night to follow-up as the supposed time the job was to take place has since come and gone. I would say I'm disappointed, but money is something that needs to be discussed. It's an uncomfortable topic for some, but I'd already done some freebie work for them prior, and was not about to do it again without some form of compensation in return, it's only fair.

Money's tighter than ever.

What is that, I hear my inner voice say? Life is not fair. Oh well.

As Scarlett O'Hara would say, "I'll think about it tomorrow."

Several months ago, a discussion came up about how one could be misled or feel taken advantage of regarding pay rates for a background gig.

One of the actors who were made aware of this situation posted the rant of one of the BG'ers anonymously on their blog. I noted no one ever responded. Over time, this blog had gotten some notoriety as the blogger stated to several people that they had actually gotten contacted by the casting agencies involved with the particular gig/situation for other postings the blogger had done and had been told to revise what they wrote. When this blogger asked for advice on what to do on the revising issue (something about the freedom of speech thing) one of the pieces of advice given was that the blogger could write whatever they wanted, as long as it was true and they had the proof to back it up.

The blogger advised they had decided it wasn't worth the drama and said they had gone back and did the revise. Yet I didn't see much of a difference in the posts. One was particularly inflammatory to one person, and that post was taken down in its entirety. Other than that, there was very little tweaking of this blogger's observations if at all.

So back to this anonymous poster that the blogger put on their site. Turns out that several months later it makes an appearance, word for word, on a well known acting site. The person who wrote the rant was listed anonymously, but the reply from the contributing writer to the acting site really lit into this person, in essence saying their reasoning was skewered and at one point, an insult to the ones who came before us on what real employment bias is.

Suffice it to say, I immediately reached out to the blogger who had posted this rant letter months ago to find out what they thought. They were remiss in an actual opinion, only acknowledging that the letter was indeed from their source.

Then I noted it had been discussed at some length by the contributing writer with several others online before their response to the rant letter went to print. I'm sure the blogger is impressed. In one way it's exciting that this blogger is getting on the radar and has had casting agencies as well as major publications take notice of what they write. There is power in writing. In another way, it may paint them and the anonymous letter writer in a hole as far as future acting work.

Which leads me to the piece of advice I plan to stick to so I don't end up in a sticky situation. Be professional and nice to everyone because you never know who knows who.

So it will be interesting to see what comes out of this.

Had fun on SVU

I had no idea SVU had a studio out in Jersey. But SVU had transportation to pick us up from Manhattan to Jersey and back both days.

I played a juror and got to see the infamous precient set, the jail cell, and of course sit in the courtroom for a scene that included actress Christine Lahti as an attorney and actor Scott Foley (of "Felicity" fame and played Elliot's seal loving boyfriend on the "Scrubs" show). I also saw briefly yesterday Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni who were chatting with crew and fellow actors on set. It was great to see them however brief. They were not in the courtroom scene with us though.

The food was good, we had regular access to fresh coffee, water, soda and snacks. We weren't there from early dawn to late night either for either day. Call time was afternoon, and we were all home well before midnight. It was overall a relaxed easy going gig.

I did get to see a couple of people I deal with. Not too many came through GW though, they came through some other extra casting agency. I am grateful I came through the way I did.

Already put in for other gigs next week. Seems things are starting to pick up. *fingers crossed*

Agog

Got a two day gig. For Law & Order: SVU. I will be playing a juror.

THRILLED is an understatement.

craziness

The job posts have been coming on with a quickness and abundance for once! I've been applying like mad.

Meanwhile, I get a headsup from the cheapies over at Bonzo -- they wanted me to come back.

No other information though. Like pay. Hmmm. What would you do in my shoes?

I continue to look for paid work.

I can no longer afford to give out freebies. Not rich here. Not by a long shot.

what is going on with background work?

Postings going on left and right for work -- yet no response. What needs to change?

I must get to Central Casting and update my photo. I think it needs to be changed and I have to do that soon. There is something in the air. According to some recent talk, it could simply be that with more people out of work, they are looking at background work as a way to supplement their income, they are fresh faces, which means background agencies are more receptive to them.

I have no idea. I just am puzzled as to the sudden dry-up.

I continue to gain work from other places but not THE major background agency? Give me a break!

Meanwhile, actors continue to bicker offline about their concerns. I don't know what's going on but it's affecting all of us and people are losing friendships. This is crazy.

OMFG

Arrived on time for The Bonzo movie. It was the beginning of a heat wave in NYC, and I arrived dressed for the shoot. I only had to change the skirt once wardrobe checked me out. Water nowhere to be found, so I asked wardrobe who was kind to bring me and another girl cold bottled water. I noticed there was not a lot of people in the unconditioned auditorium, where we were sitting and silently perspiring as one of the PA's would yell out from time to time that they were filming in the room next door which was the cafeteria and wanted quiet.

Three fans whirled, and two were sitting next to each other and were flush to the wall, which means NO air circulated save for the ten people who hung out in front of it as they loudly bleated answers to some Q&A game they were playing. Two loudly voiced their displeasure when hushed by the PA's.

11:00 and 11:30 came and went with no word as to when we would go on set. The PA's hung out and chatted amongst themselves and hushed us when they filming next door while they checked fashion websites, one regarding a fashion spread out of one of the Olsen twins in some magazine as we continued to sit and wait. One of the extras confided they had been there the last time and noted that it was a 8:30 am call and they didn't get fed until 4 pm. Then they were filming til 9 pm or so. The extra concluded their story by stating that they were not used for the filming, although they had asked to be released if they weren't going to be used and were advised by the PA that they would be used -- and never were used.

That had me worried, and I went to go find something to eat. I kept noting a catering sign so I followed the signs after seeing no action by 12:00. The school was a bit of a maze so I just followed the signs. I found a catering room alright. There was a PA sitting, looking flushed from the heat, head leaning on one hand as she peered intently at her laptop screen. She barely glanced up and I noticed through some wide windows that kids were laughing loudly and splashing in a pool that was no more than three feet deep. The pool looked cool and inviting. I tried to ignore the teacher get-up I was wearing and went over to the table where I found some bagels, some organic peanut butter that when opened had the consistency of soup, and two yogurts that were room temperature along with a small bowl of sliced fruit.

There was nothing cold to drink. There were tons of soda cans, that apparently hadn't seen the refrigerator in some time that were stacked. Other than that, there seemed to be coffee and not much else.

A PA called my attention and asked if I was me, and I said yes, rather surprised. I had worked with this PA prior on another separate paid gig, and we had recognized and greeted each other warmly. "They're wanting you on set," the PA explained. "Oh!" I had the bagel in my hand and wrapped it in a napkin to take back. "You could take it with you to set," the PA offered, and I asked if it was OK to simply drop it off in holding -- it was determined that we were on our way to pass holding to go to set anyway as it was next door.

I got to drop it off and the other PA looked at me urgently as he could, holding the door and looking at me. I grabbed my glasses that completed my look and put the bagel in my bag and headed up. I went to set and was ushered to another PA who didn't provide much direction other than to blend in with the other extras. Turns out they weren't even filming, just blocking, and the area wasn't huge to do so.

After a minute, I kid you not, we were sent back to holding for another two hours to do absolutely nothing.

We found the notes for the breakdown of what the scene would be, plus I found the pink sheets that are normally the updated sheets of what would be going down. It all took place in the cafeteria, a simple set up of the zoom in to the lunch food, then lunch lady serving lunch, then Jesse and co-star talking amongst themselves about female classmates that pass them by in the school cafeteria. That was it. There were no other lines or even a direction about me or any other extra having a line or some thing. The group I was a part of wasn't even mentioned in the bloody script, white or pink. I was like, WTF? I had suspicions that this was going to be another day that the certain extras would not be used, AGAIN. They were focusing on the kids, so that was basically that. I checked to see if there was going to be subsequent scene and nothing more was indicated. Just this one scene in the cafeteria. This apparently took a lot of discussion and blocking on behalf of the crew that labored and sweated in the heat trying to get everything just right for the director to film. Outside there was an extra strong power light that was on while it was a sunny day already out and plenty of sunlight was streaming into the cafeteria.

One of the extras came quietly from the side of the building and announced that pizza had arrived. The PA in charge of us came in and announced that they were waiting for the pizza to arrive. Yet we already knew the pizza was there and most likely would be gone through first by the crew as they had declared their break. It was all very informal with not much information being given to the extras. Lots of buzz amongst themselves as we sat and waited, perspiring in the non air conditioned space.

It was after 3 pm when one of the extras came in from hanging out in the hallway and grabbed a slice of leftover pizza that was put out in the hallway for the extras to eat. No real announcement was made. We starving extras made our way to the table, where there were about six boxes. They were quickly gone through, with the young teenagers young adults taking two slices and not realizing that other people were there to eat too and hadn't gotten to the pizza yet and still waiting on line.

By the time I got to the pizza, it was all gone. I put down my plate and grabbed a little soda and went back to holding in a mixed feeling of amusement and disgust. It was going on 3:30 and there was nothing to eat. I went to catering and there was nothing.

I was done. I went back to the holding area that had gotten warmer as a new batch of extras had arrived at 3 to help polish off the pizza we had been waiting so patiently on for an hour before.

I went to speak to the PA in charge of us, but I could tell the PA knew I was going to be the bearer of bad news and avoided me twice. I wanted to know when we would be used, as that would be my final determination as to whether I would stay or leave.

The TBD that had been placed in the compensation area of the casting ad for this gig was now determined to be zero. Should have read "to be diddly" as far as pay. And yet they seemed to have no problem asking for four days from the extras involved. The other extras said they would not be coming back. I had shrugged, saying that I was going to wait and see what they did today and that would decide my staying on. The extra that had been there prior explained that we would not be paid, even though I had told the extra I had seen the company place ads stating TBD on pay and even offering some roles a certain amount, like for the featured parents they wanted, they would be giving $100. "Gas money," snorted another extra who was there with her two starry eyed kids who wanted to say they worked on a movie with Jesse McCartney. I wondered if Jesse was working for free or got a slice of pizza for his trouble.

I tried to get the attention of the PA who clearly didn't want to hear me, so I gathered my bags and said goodbye to the extras and headed out. I found the exit on my own and didn't stop walking until I reached the turnstiles of the train to put my Metrocard in -- another thought -- transportation money is another thing that will not be reimbursed by these cheapies. I'm supposed to be thrilled to work a movie with a Disney star who certainly was not working for free and would not notice if I was there or not anyway. And feel lucky as a sonofabitch for getting a squeaked thank you from the sweaty PA -- wonder if the crew worked for free.

I reminded myself this is why unions will never go away, as they serve a purpose. I didn't feel a pang of guilt as the gush of cool air conditioned air greeted me as I walked through the passenger door of the waiting train. The shoot was so far out in Brooklyn, that the train sat on the very last stop and then you had to walk several blocks and a couple of long avenues to get to the shoot site which was on a private school that had ducks and geese and even roosters walking around on its grounds.

got confirmation call today

Guess they want to make sure I show up tomorrow. I wonder if this is going to be worth it. Will I truly get a line or will that be b.s.?

Let's see what happens. I tried to eat today and it promptly ruined my stomach. I wonder if I should just give up food for the next couple of weeks, but not being able to eat weakens me so I'm like WTF?

In a way, this used to happen to me, when the summer heat would come, I would just stop eating. It didn't make me feel weird, but I felt like I just didn't really need to eat. And the past couple of weeks have been really weird as far as eating, because I haven't been feeling well and not really into eating anything in particular.

T is worried. I just don't have an appetite. Shocking to T. Or maybe I am headed for a full on depression. I know that money's tight, has been tight, but this is a first if losing the appetite is part of the path to depression.

We'll see how this week goes. I have Tuesday open for possible work. Suddenly everyone and their mother is posting for work and I have to pass on all of it. Not like I had a chance, but you never know.

I will not let myself linger on this. I am already behind the 8 ball by still being in recovery mode.

Slow going. Will be in Bklyn tomorrow. I am grateful I don't have an early AM call, as that would have been killer.

Will take a shower tonight and get my clothing ready for my teacher role. Hmmm.

and now to wait

I haven't heard anything regarding the voiceover project. Either they are reassessing, or waiting for me to blink.

This is the part that can get challenging, exciting or plain boring, depending on where I'm at.

I've submitted for a couple more commercials with other casting agents, so we'll see what happens with that.

I look forward to working Monday. I will find out what the story is. I noticed several background gigs needed people for basically the same days I'm working for and they state the pay amount. Feeling a bit concerned.

Looking to stay positive.

work's coming up

Got word on the finalized dates to play the teacher role in that movie that Jesse McCartney is to be in. Have no idea if he plays my student or what, supposedly I have a line, but we'll see, right?

I know as featured, we get pay, so that's what makes this ultimately satisfying. However, they did not state outright the rate, so I guess I'll be surprised when I get there.

Things seem to be picking up as far as work. I was forwarded a gig for Sunday but I do volunteer work that day so that's out. I am looking for work for Tuesday as that's the one day I'm available this week for work (not counting Saturday).

Got a headsup from a former gig asking about my doing some radio voiceover spots for them, which is great, so I wrote back saying I may be available and what is the rate. The last gig I did for them I got paid, but then I had to go back to do a voice-redo on a line I say, and I did that without getting or asking for any further compensation.

So now they come back with this. I still have yet to see the finished product or get anything for my potential reel. Should I hold my breath on the response? They were nice so I would like to see something positive come out of this for me.

Well, that's all for now. Continue to submit online and wait on whether I will be able to audition for this other gig that would be nice to land (money's decent). I sooo want to do commercials and voiceover work, just wanna get PAID to do it as well. As I was reminded yesterday, I have to treat myself like a business and conduct myself as such. Can't do favors every time.

wondering

I write because it's easier than losing my mind or just giving up completely on things.

Got encouraging words from people I know are wise. They mean well. They know of what they speak.

It's just another time when times of difficulty will define who I am. Do I turn away or work through it as I normally do? Do I depend on just focused thought or give way to feelings of panic or anxiety or shame?

Do I feel shame for pursuing what makes me happy? Yes. Why? Maybe I feel I don't deserve it. Why? Other people want it. What makes me better than them? Simply wanting it more? Willing to deprive myself of other things in order to ride out the bumps in the road?

Will I look back at this and laugh? I hope so. I do not want to look back with regret about the things I did not stick with or let fear or doubt win. I cannot compare myself to others and must carry on.

I do wonder when this darkness will end. It feels dark. It feels unfamiliar. Scary. At times I feel very much alone. I do have people who believe in me but very few are footing the bill for this escapade of mine. Is that the word I want to use, escapade? I escaped corporate life only to find myself considering to return to it simply because I don't see any other way to make money come quicker?

Continue to have faith and not waver, a voice whispers to me. Do not panic.

WHEN IS HELP COMING???? DAMN IT!

Fighting a nasty cold, relatives, finances, and career

This has been a worrisome time. I have not been able to do anything. I've been sick, tired, and now have another cold that came out of nowhere. Had to dip into rent money in order to pay for the medication. Now on top of feeling sick I'm worried about how I'm going to pay the rent.

This is not how I envisioned my life to be. This is not what I wanted. In the pursuit of going after what I want I find myself poorer than ever.

Frustrating.

Relatives are not helping. They are financially strained themselves. My finances are at a standstill. Save for a couple of lowly checks, I've had zero income this month. T says I've grown beyond background work. Yes, that may be right, but so far nothing has opened up to claim the money spot. So I look backward, towards my old secretarial career, in hopes that some money will start to roll in. Yet in this economic climate, it seems I couldn't have picked a worse time. Yet the news says the economy is starting to recover, so maybe it IS the best time.

A co-worker has extended some information about a possible temp company lead. Anything is better than nothing at this point. I need a life preserver tossed at me and fast. They will call on my behalf, which I am grateful for.

Just heard the door. T's coming with belated lunch. Although I can't taste anything, I do know I'm a bit hungry.

Transportation Research -- initial research verdict, doesn't seem too bad

Okay, checked out the area that they gave as a 'general area' -- and it's a good 17 to 20 minute walk from the bus station to the arena. Although I don't see why, the bus stop should be a lot closer to the arena, but I'm figuring the shuttle won't be working unless there's a game going on.

I've only been to the Meadowlands Arena ONCE. I kinda know Jersey, but it's not like the back of my hand. At least I know I won't be too far from Manhattan.

Meanwhile my nose is leaking bad. This allergy or whatever got into me is just affecting my sensitive nose and making my body overreact. Probably mold. It keeps f-kin raining and it's disgusting. Eventually some mold or something had to get to me.

Trying to stay positive but I always hate being slowed down by something like this. Took vitamin C and some benadryl in hopes to alleviating the symptoms but it's not really working. I just try not to blow my nose as much as possible to get rid of as much as I can of whatever foreign bodies entered.

Tired. Been sleeping a lot. Depression's great like that.

Left a VM to acknowledge date changes

And left word that I will not be able to do Thursday but gave two alternate dates as I wasn't sure but the four dates mentioned sounded like they would just need me for one of those dates.

In any case, if it happens, it happens, I'm not going to stress it. I need a paying job and a regularly good paying one will do. What is it they call it? A McJob.

Sigh.

Update a reschedule on one of next week's gigs

Just checked my phone messages as I had my phone off as I was working.

Turns out the first gig dropped Monday - Wednesday after all, and want to push for Thursday, which I can't do. And for some sporadic days the following week.

I will call tomorrow as it's too late to call and find out what the story is and inform her that Thursday's a no-go.

Meanwhile, I had not put in for a certain gig because I thought I was booked for Monday and Tuesday. I put in anyway, even though it was rather late.

This sucks. We'll see what happens next.

Turning down a gig

Had to turn down a gig because it turns out they were shy (or really, in this case, remiss) on letting me know in advance if this was a paying gig. I cannot afford to work several days without pay. I volunteer enough hours at the two organizations I deal with and that's enough. I wrote a nice simple "thank you for this WONDERFUL opportunity but I must regretfully pass" number. They tout it like it's the next Scorcese flick when in reality a lot of these miniprojects never see the light of day.

I recall several weeks ago how one ad practically sneered, begging to be bombarded and shut down by tons of angry emails, about the acting being about art not about money. Hello? I think I wrote about this. Some production companies got their camera equipment by what, simply wishing? SOMEONE had to fork over dinero, my friend.

In any case, after asking about the project -- and finding out they had apparently misplaced my initial information -- I asked about whether this is a paid project -- and it took two days to get an answer. When they finally came back, the coy response was buried under all the information of "you got the gig! congratulations!" turns out, ZILCH.

There's no guarantee of whether this project will ever be seen, and I believe it was placed with the compensation listed as TBD. Either to be discussed or determined. Either way, it implies that some money is coming in some form in some way. Instead, it's a freebie they want and that I am "allowed" to use this for my reel.

yeah. I'll ask the other five people who said I'd get something for my reel where the hell my shit is. I'm still waiting, MONTHS later. And I'm not supposed to get upset about it or annoy them too much by checking in one too many times.

Shit. But at least I got paid for those other gigs. Imagine me chasing after these people for the film that probably no one will ever see? It was clear that they were just looking for people to come and fill up a club for some wannabe band. Yeah, another band. I'll pass, thanks.

Some will stoop so low to get club attendance.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to get an update email from the fast talking casting coordinator -- it's supposedly scheduled for this coming Monday Tuesday and possibly Wednesday. A paid gig, thank goodness. Then another gig I have booked definite for Wednesday Thursday and Friday out in Jersey. It should be a full week. I'm also waiting on another gig which may outbounce the earlier gig by several hundred dollars. Whichever solidifies first with me is where I tend to go. I'm trying to get noticed by other casting agencies to drum up more work. So I'm feeling good.

I'll be running a couple of quick errands today. Did laundry yesterday. So overall, a productive leading up to the weekend.

OMG when it rains it pours

Got verification in the mail that I got a three day gig. A THREE DAY GIG. I am beside myself with joy and hope.

I'm awaiting a two day gig for tomorrow and Thursday and another for Thursday and Friday.

If I can fit in another gig this week for at least two days or three, that would be fantastic.

laughable ads

It's funny because I get to submit for ads for potential jobs whether it's for an office job or for acting work and both of them have their share of interesting wish lists on what they want or require.

What's even more funny is how outrageous either field can be in their ads.

Here's the latest from two of them. One is they want you to arrive already dressed for the scene. Unfortunately the scene is for burlesque, Moulin Rouge types. Imagine riding the train or bus with your full get up? Can't imagine already owning a can-can outfit, but some of us actors do have some costumes at our disposal....but riding with it already on you while going towards Brooklyn or through mid-town Manhattan? FUNNY. Where's the cameras for that awkwardness, IFC? You'd be missing some priceless once in a lifetime moments to capture for your quaint quirky little show.

And for some established show like this Z-Rock show that is already on air and has garnered notices, they are not looking to pay. Which is bad enough, but if they expect you to come basically 'camera ready' by wearing your costume already when you get to their set, then that tells me that they are just looking to embarrass some people who don't need the money to at least give one a reason to walk around in public a la burlesque or the 'more outlandish and flamboyant, the better" style. Or too cheap to assign a holding area so people can change, go to the bathroom, etc. So on top of everything else, I have to risk wearing full getup going to your little shindig by getting gawked at, getting harrassed or laughed at, or worse, get my ass kicked or pinched or grabbed at for you too, all for no pay? I didn't tell you the best part. Keep reading.

Here's the description so you'll see I'm not lying: "The stars of the IFC hit comedy television series Z-Rock is now casting for their video single "Painted Lady". Looking for men and women ages 18-40. Must be able to arrive on set already in costume. Women must resemble burlesque, vaudeville, Moulin Rouge and/or cabaret (much like the Lady Marmalade video and the movie Moulin Rouge): the more outlandish and flamboyant, the better. Men must resemble the same kind of look. Also casting for men in modern day power business suits, ala Wall Street."

So the women, we need them to dress up as whorey as possible and ride the trains and buses like that, but the men can come in their best business suits and will be unmolested. OMG, can you just hear the laughter in this comedy gem? Why do I envision women getting molested because, by gum, the old excuse, what is it? Oh yeah, it's because of 'the way they dress"? Gee. In this case names will not be blurred to protect the not so innocent.

Here's another hearty laugher, which is made worse by the poster trying to be cute about their no-paying gig. In the 'rate/compensation' area, here is what they write: "credit, copy hopefully, food, housing, barbecue, hopefully future pay, nice getaway to suburbs, meteor shower"

So....I get to watch a free cosmic shower that I could watch anywhere else on the Northeast coast as part of my compensation package? Hmmmm.... And housing? Does this mean I gotta stay overnight for a no-pay gig and be at your mercy, trapped? Or does this mean a holding area to stand in, in case it rains? Then you are not providing me with anything useful, just something you are supposed to provide so our shit doesn't get mauled or stolen while we work your act and whore out our talents to you for free. Meanwhile, it's "hopefully" on getting credit, and more importantly, on "future pay" is another "hopefully"? So there's no current pay either? How about, you are either paying me now or not? Simply write "we want talent to provide their services for free on our pet project" and THEN you'll see how many clamor to want that precious golden opportunity. You better believe if you don't offer people something other than a 'possible credit and lunch' you are outta luck.

Another keeps posting the same stupid ad, doesn't admit there is no compensation, writes "TBD". So you, Mr. or Ms. Sucker, you take time out of your day to write them and it turns out that there is no money, just a credit with IMDB (if that'll happen) and lunch, that kind of thing. No compensation for your transportation at least, nothing. Just a blurb about how you will be working on a project that has actress Eliza Dushku's brother in it. So? Will Eliza be there strutting around passing out $50 bills to everyone? Is her brother working for free AND handing out $50 bills to everyone because THEN we can talk. They make no mention in the ad if this Dushku is not getting paid. You could be Meryl Streep's half sister, I don't care. If you are not paying, then you tell me why I should bother to take up space in your pet project, especially if all I'm doing is adding color to the background and have no real lines or a part.

So that's that. I'm done with working background for no pay and no real incentives.

I draw the fucking line so deal with it, cheapies.

Wondering

So the wait...it's going on 9 pm and I still have yet to hear from the casting assistant I spoke to on Friday about tomorrow's call time and shoot location information. She had noted that it would not be an early call when we spoke, and that's good news, but I still have not received an email, as she stated she would "send all the information" [when she got it].

Just went out to get dinner since cooking where I live is considered blasphemy as it's not my kitchen (another story told another time when I'm in a better place and frame of mind).

Picked up a baked ziti from the new place in the neighborhood and walked the dog. Tomorrow, I hope to put the growing flowing basil into a new pot. Must also remember to plant for marigolds. Haven't done that yet. This weather is not really conducive to grow flowers that need sun to flower. Another day of rain. AUGH.