wondering

I write because it's easier than losing my mind or just giving up completely on things.

Got encouraging words from people I know are wise. They mean well. They know of what they speak.

It's just another time when times of difficulty will define who I am. Do I turn away or work through it as I normally do? Do I depend on just focused thought or give way to feelings of panic or anxiety or shame?

Do I feel shame for pursuing what makes me happy? Yes. Why? Maybe I feel I don't deserve it. Why? Other people want it. What makes me better than them? Simply wanting it more? Willing to deprive myself of other things in order to ride out the bumps in the road?

Will I look back at this and laugh? I hope so. I do not want to look back with regret about the things I did not stick with or let fear or doubt win. I cannot compare myself to others and must carry on.

I do wonder when this darkness will end. It feels dark. It feels unfamiliar. Scary. At times I feel very much alone. I do have people who believe in me but very few are footing the bill for this escapade of mine. Is that the word I want to use, escapade? I escaped corporate life only to find myself considering to return to it simply because I don't see any other way to make money come quicker?

Continue to have faith and not waver, a voice whispers to me. Do not panic.

WHEN IS HELP COMING???? DAMN IT!