laughable ads

It's funny because I get to submit for ads for potential jobs whether it's for an office job or for acting work and both of them have their share of interesting wish lists on what they want or require.

What's even more funny is how outrageous either field can be in their ads.

Here's the latest from two of them. One is they want you to arrive already dressed for the scene. Unfortunately the scene is for burlesque, Moulin Rouge types. Imagine riding the train or bus with your full get up? Can't imagine already owning a can-can outfit, but some of us actors do have some costumes at our disposal....but riding with it already on you while going towards Brooklyn or through mid-town Manhattan? FUNNY. Where's the cameras for that awkwardness, IFC? You'd be missing some priceless once in a lifetime moments to capture for your quaint quirky little show.

And for some established show like this Z-Rock show that is already on air and has garnered notices, they are not looking to pay. Which is bad enough, but if they expect you to come basically 'camera ready' by wearing your costume already when you get to their set, then that tells me that they are just looking to embarrass some people who don't need the money to at least give one a reason to walk around in public a la burlesque or the 'more outlandish and flamboyant, the better" style. Or too cheap to assign a holding area so people can change, go to the bathroom, etc. So on top of everything else, I have to risk wearing full getup going to your little shindig by getting gawked at, getting harrassed or laughed at, or worse, get my ass kicked or pinched or grabbed at for you too, all for no pay? I didn't tell you the best part. Keep reading.

Here's the description so you'll see I'm not lying: "The stars of the IFC hit comedy television series Z-Rock is now casting for their video single "Painted Lady". Looking for men and women ages 18-40. Must be able to arrive on set already in costume. Women must resemble burlesque, vaudeville, Moulin Rouge and/or cabaret (much like the Lady Marmalade video and the movie Moulin Rouge): the more outlandish and flamboyant, the better. Men must resemble the same kind of look. Also casting for men in modern day power business suits, ala Wall Street."

So the women, we need them to dress up as whorey as possible and ride the trains and buses like that, but the men can come in their best business suits and will be unmolested. OMG, can you just hear the laughter in this comedy gem? Why do I envision women getting molested because, by gum, the old excuse, what is it? Oh yeah, it's because of 'the way they dress"? Gee. In this case names will not be blurred to protect the not so innocent.

Here's another hearty laugher, which is made worse by the poster trying to be cute about their no-paying gig. In the 'rate/compensation' area, here is what they write: "credit, copy hopefully, food, housing, barbecue, hopefully future pay, nice getaway to suburbs, meteor shower"

So....I get to watch a free cosmic shower that I could watch anywhere else on the Northeast coast as part of my compensation package? Hmmmm.... And housing? Does this mean I gotta stay overnight for a no-pay gig and be at your mercy, trapped? Or does this mean a holding area to stand in, in case it rains? Then you are not providing me with anything useful, just something you are supposed to provide so our shit doesn't get mauled or stolen while we work your act and whore out our talents to you for free. Meanwhile, it's "hopefully" on getting credit, and more importantly, on "future pay" is another "hopefully"? So there's no current pay either? How about, you are either paying me now or not? Simply write "we want talent to provide their services for free on our pet project" and THEN you'll see how many clamor to want that precious golden opportunity. You better believe if you don't offer people something other than a 'possible credit and lunch' you are outta luck.

Another keeps posting the same stupid ad, doesn't admit there is no compensation, writes "TBD". So you, Mr. or Ms. Sucker, you take time out of your day to write them and it turns out that there is no money, just a credit with IMDB (if that'll happen) and lunch, that kind of thing. No compensation for your transportation at least, nothing. Just a blurb about how you will be working on a project that has actress Eliza Dushku's brother in it. So? Will Eliza be there strutting around passing out $50 bills to everyone? Is her brother working for free AND handing out $50 bills to everyone because THEN we can talk. They make no mention in the ad if this Dushku is not getting paid. You could be Meryl Streep's half sister, I don't care. If you are not paying, then you tell me why I should bother to take up space in your pet project, especially if all I'm doing is adding color to the background and have no real lines or a part.

So that's that. I'm done with working background for no pay and no real incentives.

I draw the fucking line so deal with it, cheapies.

Freebies

Lately I've been seeing a ton of free gigs (read: non-paying) and that one will get a copy of the film and get fed, whatever that means (could be chips and water, sandwiches, snacks, or a real hot meal).

Non-union does not mean free. I'm seeing these postings on paid sites -- sites that I pay a monthly fee in order to have the privilege of accessing and submitting electronically for gigs. Why the f-c-k would I submit on a paid site to a non-paying gig that 99.9 percent of the time will lead NOwhere nor build up my resume anyway?

I'm wondering if I should advise these paid sites that wasting my membership fee by having to scroll down the growing longer every week list of freebie gigs is not adding up to making this monthly payment a viable investment. Nonpaying gigs do not pay my rent either, buddy.

Some of the ads are mildly defensive. I recall one saying that no one else is getting paid and that included the production crew, which I found completely hard to believe. Who the h-e-ll works for free unless they are getting something out of it? Then another ad memorably read something along the lines they are looking for Artists, not people looking to make a dollar. Um, hello? You think the landlord will appreciate my artistry when I explain I can't pay the rent? Um, sure, yeah, right.

It IS a business, and just as the writer, producer and director are dreaming for it to lead to bigger better things for themselves, why can't I dream and pursue the same? Idiots.

Speaking of freebies, here's the latest insult coming from an office that specializes in dealing with only extras -- why they would forward this to me I have no idea but apparently whoever sent it was high on crack. This link is for people who just want to have fun but not necessarily get paid. But hey, you never know. You just might be in the right place at the right time and....presto! You could be a star!

http://www.beinamovie.com/