got confirmation call today

Guess they want to make sure I show up tomorrow. I wonder if this is going to be worth it. Will I truly get a line or will that be b.s.?

Let's see what happens. I tried to eat today and it promptly ruined my stomach. I wonder if I should just give up food for the next couple of weeks, but not being able to eat weakens me so I'm like WTF?

In a way, this used to happen to me, when the summer heat would come, I would just stop eating. It didn't make me feel weird, but I felt like I just didn't really need to eat. And the past couple of weeks have been really weird as far as eating, because I haven't been feeling well and not really into eating anything in particular.

T is worried. I just don't have an appetite. Shocking to T. Or maybe I am headed for a full on depression. I know that money's tight, has been tight, but this is a first if losing the appetite is part of the path to depression.

We'll see how this week goes. I have Tuesday open for possible work. Suddenly everyone and their mother is posting for work and I have to pass on all of it. Not like I had a chance, but you never know.

I will not let myself linger on this. I am already behind the 8 ball by still being in recovery mode.

Slow going. Will be in Bklyn tomorrow. I am grateful I don't have an early AM call, as that would have been killer.

Will take a shower tonight and get my clothing ready for my teacher role. Hmmm.

busy day

Dunkin' Donuts - the breakfast of champions and part of the breakfast we were served -- along with hot (actually hot not cold or lukewarm) breakfast sandwiches also from Dunkin'.

Of course I had to pull the sandwich that was full of poppy seeds -- and thus had to, as discreetly as possible, get stray ones out from between my teeth. Oh boy, was that fun!

Another gig -- this one was described in the email I received as being a six hour job, cash paid.

I arrived early, practically a half hour early, and then noticed the crew were still getting out of their vans and unpacking everything. I finally was allowed upstairs and sat in holding, where no one was familiar. A LOT of people cancelled and the crew, which was pretty big, took a long time inbetween to setup for what was essentially the same scene, possibly two. It had to be taken from many angles and we didn't have enough background, according to the whispers I heard between the PA's.

So we walked, and walked, and pretended to talk on phones, to each other, and us women were dealing wearing our business heels standing around or trying to rest in chairs between takes, wearing our business suits, pretending to conduct business. We repeated the scene as the cameras moved from angle to angle and people were switched around. By 1:00, I had noticed I was starting to get tired.

They had us going back and forth in an office building lobby of white dark veined marble from top to bottom -- that housed Meredith Viera's production company and the International Emmy group upstairs near our holding area (same floor). They even had the Emmy symbol on their door -- pretty cool.





2:00 was rapidly approaching and yet the crew was announcing we had more one scene to shoot. Fantastic. But the linear moves and discussions amongst the crew took time and ate it up. About 2:15, a harried PA or AD announced a 'break for lunch' and that background was to wait until the crew ate. We went upstairs without any other announcement. The crew was already at work eating, and some stragglers were about. The background went to check out the food and started slowly filtering in to get some lunch. No one said anything. I knew what the email said to me. And the money would not be the same amount if I worked the extra hours til god knew when.

They could keep us for another hour (not likely, seeing how long it took for them to discuss and setup shots from before) or we'd be there til 6 or 7 or even 8 o'clock. It just did not make sense financially. I noticed three or four other people discussing to be let go. I had plans for later in the day and staying with no guarantee for extra funds for the effort told me I had to make a decision. It wasn't tough to make. They had us fill out yet another form that was weird -- sort of like a promissory to pay tax on the little funds they gave us. I'm like, you're kidding, right? When they see the hours vs. the pay, it'll be a no brainer -- and they'll probably ask you how'd you get talent to work that long for so cheap?

Interestingly, in the courtyard behind the building, where people who worked there could have their lunch, there were several of these young trees....interesting shape in the leaf!

Back to the 2:00 PM story.

I didn't pick up any lunch and joined the line of those signing out and taking their payment. I changed from my heels to flats and headed out. Called N and filled him in on what had happened, and I only made him laugh. Picked up the latest issue of TimeOut (the 'free' issue) and hopped the trains back home.

Exhausted, I dropped everything off (had a rollie with several changes of clothing! see, I followed the production's instructions to the letter!) and changed into jeans and comfy t-shirt. In danger of falling asleep, I dragged B (who I had found to be in a bad mood because of B's dealings with B's mom) with me to take a walk and get some air and pick up some snacks.

I've been ravenous so I even picked up a Mister Softee vanilla with rainbow sprinkles cone and happily lapped it up as I enjoyed what was left of the day's sunshine. B thanked me afterwards for lifting B out of B's funk. Glad to do so.

Checking online for updates and to submit for possible new gigs. Fighting tiredness -- if I take a 'nap' now, I will be wide awake later and I have to go do my volunteer gig tomorrow in the morning feeling strong and as fresh as a daisy.

Beautiful day

Volunteer work went quick today. Chopped, sliced and diced and sealed pre-prepared meals. We had a huge group and we still had tons to do. At one point, around a little after 12, I found myself a little dizzy so I announced I was taking a quick break, and spent 10 minutes recharging in the kitchen with some nice cold soda I bought from the soda machine and munching on a slice of this rough delicious brown bread.

Then I went back downstairs to finish off my project and then before I knew it, we were wiping down counters, washing off our hands, and handing over our aprons. We were done. It was an amazing and satisfying feeling - a sense of happy accomplishment. I was one of the last three to leave as I was wiping down the last of the tables, and then it was signing out for the day and into the sunshine. I had been feeling hungry, so I made my way taking a casual walk down to Chinatown. There was a man selling bubble guns on a corner and the bubbles made me happy and I burst out laughing, admiring the sheer number of bubbles floating around me and others standing on the corner waiting for the light to change so we could cross. I took pictures with my cell phone, thanked the man and kept on going.

Before I knew it, I was in Little Italy and came upon an Italian festival. Wandering around, I snapped a few more pics before I came across a sign emblazoned with bragging rights to the best cannoli on planet earth. So of course that piqued my curiosity (as well as made me laugh out loud to the unapologetic tooting of one's horn on a food) and so I indulged in one of the big ones. It was crunchy and tasty, creamy, had what I think were chocolate chips. I never met a sweet I didn't like. As I walked, an old woman sat with her version of cannolis and we smiled and nodded at each other as she noticed what I was eating.

Kept moving, kept walking. Made it to Mott Street and picked up some food and then made my way to the train station. By the time I got home, I had to do some quick errands, like tumble drying my comforter. Finished at last, I didn't feel like going back out again, so I made sure to have a nice steak with onions done (I had been talking about wanting a steak earlier while chopping veggies and smelling the others cut fresh onions nearby). Also had tostones. Deeelicious!

Overall, a very hearty and busy day. And on to auditions, which are still on-going. :-)

thoughts about life

In my room, the sun setting on another day, which turned out sunny, beautiful and gorgeous. A perfect day for a funeral.

Made it back home. It's been several hours now. Still in my black dress. My feet, no longer stocking'd, are tucked under me as I type this. Today was a sad day with some smiles of remembrances. I didn't have anything to say. I wrote what I wanted to say to the boy, the one who is left without his parent, who looked still in shock as he continues to process his still-new grief.

Everyone made small talk and I just wanted to close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face. Going there I got a bit queasy, and I was sitting in the back with no air conditioning. Grateful for the ride, I kept my mouth shut but the woman sitting next to me noticed I was looking a little green from the lack of a cool breeze.

I made it to the place without having to get sick but I was a little wobbly which was also noticed. I straightened myself out and a group of us went to the ladies' room to freshen up and relieve our bladders. We made it back just as they were starting to talk about the BG'er who passed away. There were fun stories, some laughter, some tears. A lot of people had something to say. I noticed that some of the closer friends and family seemed to be a little annoyed at how long they had to listen to some people talk, but thankfully they didn't say anything beyond exchanging looks and raised eyebrows and sighs. For those in our group who were a little wobbly making their speeches, I was there to support as best I could and stood by them. I was fine with writing what I had to say to the boy in the card that was bought and passed around for us BG'ers to sign for him. I don't know if the kid will see it, or read it, or even appreciate it. I have no idea what it is to lose a parent as a kid. I have no idea. I worry about him. I know he has a lot of family and friends and yet I still worry. I shook his hand before I left, because I thought it was very inappropriate for us BG'ers who didn't really know him, to be hugging him or prattling on about working some gig with his parent. I just felt it was out of place and that the kid would just be too overwhelmed to care.

Someone brought up about taking pictures at the ceremony, and I didn't answer yes or no to it. All I did say is if they were to do it, they had to be discreet. Another stated that it was not appropriate and to wait until after it was done. I don't know if any pictures were taken by these people subsequently. I was too wrapped up in what was truly jarring for me. Seeing the casket go down into the hole in the ground. And the cemetary people only start putting the soil back on top to bury the casket when we left. For some reason I was fine until then.

Afterward, a quick jaunt to the family house where there was plenty of food and drink while people watched family home movies on a large television screen while others milled about in the patio in the backyard and marvelled at the trees and fresh air and made some more small talk.

Some of us finally took some group pictures. I heard some people saying they were happy and had felt at peace being able to say goodbye officially. More laughter. And someone saying that they felt the BG'er's presence during the laughter. And then it was over. We said our lingering goodbyes and soon found ourselves piled back into the cars to take us back home. And the sun kept shining, the sky was so blue and the air smelled of green and trees. Again I have a great memory of this BG'er.

I just want to write it down in a futile weak attempt to remember it all with these sparse wordings to trigger the memories in full color in my dreams for now and in the future.

Is this fall or spring?

Inbetween takes for The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Nope, Nicholas Cage was not in this scene.

Interesting looking dragon-esque "S" for Sorcerer's Apprenctice.

The tag we had to have on us in order to go in and out of the building we had for holding.

Holding area was a newly constructed area which equalled a cover of fine white dust everywhere.



It's May, I kept telling myself. Wouldn't know it by the wind. Luckily for today's shoot I had to wear a winter coat, which I wore mine quite happily. We shot by the water near the Staten Island Ferry Terminal. We had like 20 kids with us to shoot a scene of a windblown paper. The general mood was fine despite my not really knowing anybody there and only slightly knowing one other person that I met for the first time on last Tuesday's gig.

We didn't get to hang but did talk briefly about the week's happenings -- the passing of a fellow BG'er and then we moved on. I hung out with a couple of ladies who were pretty nice to me. So we talked and the time flew. Breakfast and lunch were served, both hot. Both pretty filling, can't complain. Plus when there was downtime, there was a well stocked snack table filled with various cookies, fresh fruit, pasta, coffee, tea, popcorn, chips, soda, water.

Here was a fellow BG'er's lunch.

This was my lunch. I got the slice of beef (tender and delicious) and grilled spiced salmon, steamed veggies and a littel bit of rice. I finished it off with a cup of iced tea (not too sweet which was nice too).

We were in at 7 am and out by 7...at least I hope that's what they'll adjust on my voucher.