thoughts about life

In my room, the sun setting on another day, which turned out sunny, beautiful and gorgeous. A perfect day for a funeral.

Made it back home. It's been several hours now. Still in my black dress. My feet, no longer stocking'd, are tucked under me as I type this. Today was a sad day with some smiles of remembrances. I didn't have anything to say. I wrote what I wanted to say to the boy, the one who is left without his parent, who looked still in shock as he continues to process his still-new grief.

Everyone made small talk and I just wanted to close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face. Going there I got a bit queasy, and I was sitting in the back with no air conditioning. Grateful for the ride, I kept my mouth shut but the woman sitting next to me noticed I was looking a little green from the lack of a cool breeze.

I made it to the place without having to get sick but I was a little wobbly which was also noticed. I straightened myself out and a group of us went to the ladies' room to freshen up and relieve our bladders. We made it back just as they were starting to talk about the BG'er who passed away. There were fun stories, some laughter, some tears. A lot of people had something to say. I noticed that some of the closer friends and family seemed to be a little annoyed at how long they had to listen to some people talk, but thankfully they didn't say anything beyond exchanging looks and raised eyebrows and sighs. For those in our group who were a little wobbly making their speeches, I was there to support as best I could and stood by them. I was fine with writing what I had to say to the boy in the card that was bought and passed around for us BG'ers to sign for him. I don't know if the kid will see it, or read it, or even appreciate it. I have no idea what it is to lose a parent as a kid. I have no idea. I worry about him. I know he has a lot of family and friends and yet I still worry. I shook his hand before I left, because I thought it was very inappropriate for us BG'ers who didn't really know him, to be hugging him or prattling on about working some gig with his parent. I just felt it was out of place and that the kid would just be too overwhelmed to care.

Someone brought up about taking pictures at the ceremony, and I didn't answer yes or no to it. All I did say is if they were to do it, they had to be discreet. Another stated that it was not appropriate and to wait until after it was done. I don't know if any pictures were taken by these people subsequently. I was too wrapped up in what was truly jarring for me. Seeing the casket go down into the hole in the ground. And the cemetary people only start putting the soil back on top to bury the casket when we left. For some reason I was fine until then.

Afterward, a quick jaunt to the family house where there was plenty of food and drink while people watched family home movies on a large television screen while others milled about in the patio in the backyard and marvelled at the trees and fresh air and made some more small talk.

Some of us finally took some group pictures. I heard some people saying they were happy and had felt at peace being able to say goodbye officially. More laughter. And someone saying that they felt the BG'er's presence during the laughter. And then it was over. We said our lingering goodbyes and soon found ourselves piled back into the cars to take us back home. And the sun kept shining, the sky was so blue and the air smelled of green and trees. Again I have a great memory of this BG'er.

I just want to write it down in a futile weak attempt to remember it all with these sparse wordings to trigger the memories in full color in my dreams for now and in the future.

Grim day

Getting mentally prepared for the funeral for the fellow BG'er who passed away last week.

I'm not sure why we all have to dress in black considering how the person in question was anything but dowdy. I think the BG'er would have appreciated some color. The weather is supposed to be sunny and in the mid 80 degrees. Yipes.

I'm trying not to dwell on this, and I don't want to be seen as cruel or mean. The bottom line is, that life is to be cherished and death is not to be feared as it's a part of life. And I see a lot of scared people. Will carry some tissues and pray I don't come across as cold or overly hysterical.

I will not bring a camera. It's just too tacky, in my opinion. And I just don't want it to be my last memory of this person. I think I will just be quiet and observe.

sad news

Just got word from a fellow BG'er that another BG'er was found dead in her apartment yesterday. I refused to believe it and asked this BG'er if she had her number to call her, and see who picks up. I'll call her N. She considered it, and I could sense N. really didn't want to call, but what other choice did we have other than to sit and wait and speculate ourselves into a tizzy?

I waited about ten minutes, maybe fifteen then called back. Although N. didn't say if she called the number, she relayed another BG'er was calling her in a state of distress, about the one who died. The husband had been calling her and the calls went unanswered so he went over to her place and found her dead.

A part of me is still finding this hard to believe, this woman who was literally so vibrant and full of life. I always thought when I would hear this from other testimonials on others who died, that it was a cliche and that they had run out of original things to say. Instead, I know that it's true. She was bawdy, had no filter, and would say things that another person would not get away with. She made me laugh. She shared the same philosophy about the world, that it was magical, that everything happened for a reason, that if you want something, you just need to focus on that and work on making it come to you. She told me during one of our conversations just two days ago that she felt she and I were alike in our thought and energy regarding working towards our goals. I remember it felt good to hear that and I agreed with her. We were talking with another BG'er who was struggling to find her way and I remember how the struggling BGer linked us all together as we walked to set, arm linked to another's back as we walked three abreast.

When I heard the news initially I thought it was a joke. A brutal nasty messedup joke from some prankster that had nothing else better to do. But it seems to be true. And I am just looking at this muggy day and wondering. Another situation that drives the point home. Life's too short to be miserable. Find ways to enjoy it while you can.