Lack of focus...

Oh dear freakin' Lord.  Since the Glee ep, work has been slow.  I took an office job, temping, and it gets depressing.  I feel time is ticking.  But I must pay the rent and must start going to find a new photographer that's not going to cost me an arm and leg that'll take a decent headshot and commerical pic to last me for the next couple of years.  I also just cut my hair, so time is of the essence.  I also continue to wage an inner dialogue about my weight and continue to snag an oppty here and there to go to a zumba class or sneak in some arm curls.  The focus is just not there.  Boredom is setting in and I've no idea what the next step is. It seems a constant chase for elusiveness and maybe two seconds of showing up in something.  While showing up in something is good, and I have been getting noticed, as a BG you are not supposed to stand out, so even BG I'm like....failing.  I shake my head as I write this because I didn't want to admit that.  There are times I wonder if I'm just being a delusional fool, that if others thought I was really talented, they would've helped me.  But in the end I have to help myself and not look for someone to save me.  I continue on this journey to go after what I want and be happy because life is too damned short to be miserable at something that keeps the wolves from the door but gives nothing to the soul.

The New Normal

Worked on a hush hush t.v. project and couldn't believe what it was -- we were told when we were checked in and sitting in holding by the PA's making a general announcement.  Awesome!  I would post it here but I am trying to avoid having some one having a reason to sue me, so I will play the avoid-y card for now.  Waiting now to see the upcoming The Big C episode I did BG work on.  Should be happening this week or next.  Been watching the 2-2, and have yet to see me show up in the background.  Read that A Gifted Man got canned, so there goes a former gig in NYC for me.  I worked that one a few times as BG. 

Meanwhile, I took on a temp job with abysmal pay, nowhere near what I was making before.  It's really bad out there, and the temp agencies are letting us know it by undercutting our pay "to stay competitive" and they've got temps even running scared.  I figured I would do this one gig, and it turns out it's like a two month gig, and I kept my comments to myself, just merely nodded my head and kept all my answers positive.  After this, I will have to raise my amount or lower the amount of time I am working a gig so I can continue to work my BG stuff as that is what makes me happy and sane, believe it or not. 

I have not gone union, despite the mad rush of others to go, because I simply did not have the money to do so.  The money's not there, and I've already had discussions with family as to where everyone else's money is going because I keep working and no matter how much I make, whether I work in an office or in BG or whatever, it just seems to disappear and I'm still hearing how we're behind in our bills. 

AUGH!

work work and more work

Late December, January and part of February were pretty quiet. Thought I was going to tear my hair out. Been jobhunting like crazy, and for a few nibbles, all's quiet. Everyone has a wish list but can afford to be choosy over who they want for the paltry salary they're waving. Pisses me off.

Meanwhile, I work for minimum wage. At least BG is interesting. Worked on Smash several times, Gifted Man, The 2-2, (now called NYC 22), L&O SVU, The Big C and Unforgettable. Finally was able to break out the nurse scrubs for an unnamed project, let's see what happens with that. A fellow BGer decided to take the plunge, got his AFTRA waiver and decided to go union. I'm happy for him, really.

I continue to job hunt as well as apply for part-time jobs and submit for auditions. I am really hustling best I can and staying positive.

woot woot! things have been in a whirl

Have been getting some regular work via Grant Wilfley and Central Casting. Even got gig from Liz Lewis for my first music video. Can't complain. Came off the summer finishing on Boardwalk Empire's second season, the year 1921, and have already seen myself twice! AiEEEEEE! It's so awesome! Several people, non-actors and fellow BGers, saw me as one of the protesting maids for the season 13 premiere (Scorched Earth ep.) of Law & Order SVU. I even heard myself, I was very featured, it was awesome.

I got a call for more background work, and found myself on Gifted Man (again I appeared on camera but crossing the street, oh well). I have been submitting for Nurse Jackie but nothing has come of it. I mean, I have scrubs, I can play a visitor, nurse, or patient. I could even do pedestrian again. I meet others that manage to get on that set and they tell me to just keep trying, and keep submitting. So I keep submitting.

Worked an unforgettable two days on Unforgettable. We're talking 15 hour days a piece. A lot of waiting around, in order for them to set up cameras to make the show as special as it is as the main character has something like photographic memory so a scene has to be filmed multiple times from different ways.

The spring and summer came and went. By the end of August, I had a week off, just to relax in time for the long holiday weekend. But I was itching. I wanted to keep the momentum going. I got another call from SVU, and off I went to play a basketball mom for a young teenager in a banquet scene. It was very nice, and they fed us, and the scene went well and the director was thrilled it went along smoothly and let us know it. We were even thanked by one of the main guest star actors, and we got to see some famous basketball players like Carmelo Anthony. The boys that were with me and other "mothers" were thrilled and starry eyed, it was funny to see.

Meanwhile, I kept submitting for roles. Went on auditions, and didn't put too much stress on myself for it. I had fun, and read my lines, and just went with it. If I didn't get a call within a week, I didn't stress about it. I would continue to submit for new jobs, and then I got some paid audience work so I wasn't about to have the time to dwell and brood over things. Got work on some independent films and was happy to have fun playing the curvy woman who shows up at the wedding kind of thing and just had fun.

Now I have an early morning calltime, and I had to go to a fitting over a week ago in order to go to this. It's been really exciting, but early morning call times can be a challenge. I have no idea how many people are going to be in the scene tomorrow but I am going to continue to be strong, stay focused, and stay positive.

Did I also mention I started doing the 1,600 a day for the month of November challenge? I couldn't even summon a 1,000 words, only over 600. I put it on draft. Sloooooowww beginning indeed.

quiet week

Although there have been postings, the most activity was yesterday to submit, the bottom line is, it's right before the holiday weekend so castings will slow down. At least this is what I am telling myself as this happened the last time right around Memorial Day. Can't believe it's already hitting on the Fourth of July weekend and I have no inclination to do anything special. Just can't muster the strength to go or do anything. Just want to rest under the covers with my dogs and have the television cable ready along with a tall glass of ice and soda. I don't even feel like eating to be honest, although I did break down yesterday and went to the supermarket to pick up some odds and ends. Food is just not that interesting to me lately yet I can't seem to lose any weight.

Did manage to water the container garden. The only thing showing right now is the basil. Sigh. Well, at least it's something.

Continue to look for work and also office work, got some leads. We'll see how it goes. Have to be ruthless about what I want as no one seems to be handing out anything to me, gotta earn it my self. As usual.

readying for the week

I am resisting. I have an audition for a weight loss show. At the time I wrote to them it seemed to be a pretty good idea. I know I am not camera ready but do not have the inclination or discipline to see it through to exercise every day. I'm too busy letting myself worry about how to pay the rent and this puts me in a negative mindset that is hard to break out of when there's the reality of bills every month or every week. As an actor, there are bills for paying for casting sites, that are a bit of a crap lottery in that you submit your ticket in hopes of getting your name called. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. There are bills for the occasional acting related class, whether it's a how to on submitting to casting agencies or an acting method. Then there's the whole being "camera ready" -- going to a gym to tone up and 'lessen' the body and going to a dentist to keep the smile bright and healthy, it all adds up. This is one of the few fields where you initially invest a ton of money and then hope for the best. It's like the stock market.

Back to life. There was little work last week. This week sounds a bit quiet. Feeling a bit unnerved although I shouldn't be, I should be grateful. I continue to submit but the posts are few and far between. Union members seem to be getting more of the gigs now, which is good, I would hate to pay thousands of dollars and sit at home waiting for the phone to ring then it hardly ever does. Talk about stock market...

So now I continue to look for work, keep myself busy somehow, and not worry. Most important. To not worry. Although I do find myself checking out the want ads for regular office work.

You know. Just in case.

The whole point of doing student films

The whole point of doing student films is to gain experience in front of the camera and to ACT. It is to have lines, build a character, and interact with other characters. It is NOT for me to stand around and color a background. I have been there, done that, and need to expand my experience. Telling me that you will provide "credit, maybe food" does not get noticed by future casting offices. Telling me that you will provide a "reel" when 99 out of 100 times I will never get it and you will lie to me about sending it or simply disappear or not respond, tells me that I really have to back off doing anything that is NOT really going to help me. I am all fine about helping you, but it needs to be a mutual helping here, a meeting of the minds so to speak. Don't lie to me or overinflate who or what you think you are or about your precious project that most likely will never see the light of day beyond a classroom assignment. And also don't try to entice me with words like "will be considered for future projects which MAY have pay" or "we'll remember you or keep you on file for future projects". What are the odds of what is otherwise a complete stranger coming back to me to offer me a more juicier acting role in the future in a film that WILL see the light of day beyond the high school or college campus? Buddy please.

Save us time and simply get to the truth. But if you do, be prepared to not get anyone to do what you want them to do. Especially for free and no pay off of any kind, professional or otherwise for them. Then call your friends and family and give them food and drink for taking time out of their own precious lives to help you make your dream come true. Because in the end, it's not about the talent, but about your own interests, fuck what can be done for us who in reality, are strangers helping YOU out.

I am simply tired of unprofessionals, greedy fucks and liars. May they all rot in hell.