Just got an email

From the writer/director kind of ducking out of the film festival where the film had been made an official selection.  The viewing is coming up in a week and the W/D is now messing with the transportation arrangements and how it would be expensive to attend the red carpet for the festival.  And also seems to be encouraging that the actors rely on each other for transportation although this was already set and done by the W/D in the first place.  So I'm like...whahhhht?

The W/D KNEW about this, way ahead of time and could have arranged for at least one actor to go to the screening and pay their way as far as handling transportation and attending the red carpet.  Maybe the W/D might have felt it wouldn't have been fair if all of the actors couldn't go, but my concern is this -- you submit a film to a festival that turns out to be pretty out of the way for all the actors perhaps save one besides the W/D.  The W/D has two cars and could finagle a third if the W/D at least pays for the gas for the third which belongs to one of the actors to entice him to bring people to attend and pay to see the screening later. 

Yet, there again seems to be no line of forethought, no foreshadowing.  There continues to be a lack of information and consideration.  Stuff that doesn't sit right or add up in a logical way just piles up.

I asked on a separate note about whether the W/D was still interested in doing a film project/idea we tossed back and forth.  And my friends are convinced the W/D is B.S.ing me and it's not going to go anywhere because it's possible I inadvertently hurt the W/D's feelings by writing a better version of a screen play the W/D presented to me.

The W/D is very much in love with what they put down and want every word and action kept exactly as they write it, the problem is it's not very dynamic and several scenes can be cut because it's quite frankly, extraneous and doesn't add anything important to the script.  I tried to pare it down and still have work to pare it down further, but the W/D admitted to liking what they saw in my version.  This became the sticking point for my friends who advise I stepped on the W/D's ego and most likely it won't get done, despite mine being the better written piece.

In any case, the month of May is about to come to a close and I am no where closer to getting anything done on this, and I was hoping to at least work on a trailer.  I wrote up, storyboarded, two versions of the teaser, and hope to film it shortly, like the next couple of weeks.  But of course, life calls -- I've got rent to pay, a phone bill to pare down and a cable/internet bill that's important to keep going as I electronically submit for acting gigs on a daily basis.  Oh and did I mention a phone bill?

I'm annoyed, a bit frustrated and trying not to get negative or down on myself.  I do not need to spiral into depression.  As I say, we will see.  I have it so clear in my head about the trailer, I just need the cooperation, time, and tape to film it and off we go.  An old camera, it is not completely digital, but uses a special tape.  I will have to figure this out or record it on a small bitty camera or rent one, it's gotta be done.

Having trouble sleeping.  Got a new script for another project that most likely won't see the light of day.  I'm getting annoyed.  Must stop typing.  Sun rising.  Did not sleep again tonight and my hair feels like a rat's nest.  Have things to do today but no audition and no acting work.  Not even BG work.  Sigh.  Must keep moving.  May go through my editing for the script or just try to get a couple hours sleep.  No bueno.

OMFG

I feel the level of frustration rising.  I have shooting pains in the back of my eyes, it alternates.  Why?  Because the film I was working on for over half a year and had gone through two cast changes with, has NOT been promoted as much as I think it should be.  It also does not look as polished as it should be.  The audio sucks in the teaser trailer that was FINALLY released the other day, and it features mostly one actor throughout.  The main character who appears from the beginning of the film and shows in the final scene as we fade out, is NOT as heavily featured and I show in one lone clip that is a throwaway shot, a quick cut in and out, and it's not even a good edit.

I've suggested film festivals and expressed my excitement on the film's completion and stayed with the positive feedback when the film's writer/director posted the film "poster", which looked like something a third grader did.  It just looks so...cheap.  Like there's no heart or thought in the process, like everything was done last minute within five seconds because someone was too busy or worse, too lazy or too cheap, to have someone else do it properly.

Even though I do not have a degree in graphic design, I know what's visually pleasing, what sets the composition in a picture or a poster.  I just felt it could be done better. 

I have to put my ego aside, because I noticed that one actor seems to get the most exposure out of this -- the first pictures posted on the movie's FB page featured this actor's face alone.  The theme continued into the trailer. 

I tell myself part of the lesson here is that ultimately I am not in creative control, I relinquish that when I work on other people's projects.  On the other hand, I don't recall the role of this actor being the lead or the focus of the film.  Perhaps the writer director felt otherwise, and is pushing this actor.

What surprises me is this actor was so resistant to the writer director, very passive aggressive and was very critical of the W/D.  And yet....here we are, with this actor getting the floor.  Interesting.

There are a couple of projects the W/D claims they want to do with me, but it's been slow going.  Meanwhile, they've found the time to punch out a five minute segment with two other actors and show it at some public function.  There were no invites to this, and seems to have been very low key at some bar.

As I observed other people promoting projects, I had asked if there would be a website for the film and have yet to see one.  There is no place to view this film's teaser, unless they go to the FB page.  And the trailer absolutely sucks.  It's not something I would show with any pride.  As I said, I barely appear and it's a showcase for one actor.

I'm not really sure what to do.  I have spread the word to check out the film, and I doubt a lot of them are going to make the trek to a place that is not readily available by public transportation anyway.  And the people I know don't have cars, we live in a city that doesn't really require a person to have one.

I'm disappointed, a little embarrassed, and want to continue to keep holding my head up and stay positive.

A part of me is like fuck it, it's not your pride and joy and the only one looking like an idiot is the W/D for putting this out unpolished.  But it did get picked up by a film festival.  So....maybe this actor carried the film so well that we only have this person to thank.  We will see.  Next month the film will have its official screening and we have a red carpet, my first!  I don't know WHAT I am going to wear!

There's a time for everything....now....when will it be MY time?

After finishing the latest nightmare of a temp gig, I found myself happily applying for BG work.  Yes, it's like a little over eight bucks an hour.  And the fact I would rather stand around in all kinds of weather for that kind of money instead of sitting in some artificially lit office with other miserable souls, should tell you something.  It certainly does to me.  I wish I could make more money, honestly I do.  I get tremendous satisfaction of doing a job well, and that goes for office work as well as BG.  Getting that check acknowledging my efforts, is lovely.  But that BG check means more to me than I can say.  That is what told me office life is not for me.  People in offices have their own ways to deal with time passing, and can reason their time away with having to focus on kids and a mortgage.  In other words.  Bills.  Well, bills will always be there, you pay one month and guess what, they are back the following month.  It doesn't matter, they will be with you until you leave this earth in death.  So....how to live your life or what of it you have left, is really up to you.

This week was quiet.  I got a go-see and no BG work.  Thankfully I have a promo gig tomorrow, which is as a brand ambassador, where I smile, greet the public, and hand out helpful leaflets or freebies, and inform anyone who cares to listen what product I'm promoting.  Sometimes it results in sales, sometimes it results in some lovely human interaction, and mostly it's just people shaking their head and saying "no thanks" and taking off, hurrying to wherever they have to go.

It's not the most exciting life but it's something that pays rather nicely per hour -- the only thing is I have to wait like 60 days before seeing any amount of it, even if it's only for $50.  Imagine, waiting two months to get a check for work you did.  It involves a lot of trust that this company will pay you, but don't, god forbid, get too intense and write in a month to inquire about your check.  No other job I know entails this kind of wait period.  Even BG pays within ten days of your working a day or two.

Strange.  In any case, I filed my taxes and this year I was really behind things, and waited til the day before to get the papers together and really focus on getting things filled out, computed, checked, then filed.  I decided to go the e-file route with TurboTax once I saw I would have to fill out several tax forms with the 1040 this year, and I would not be filing a 1040EZ this year due to my consulting gig ($100.00 produced two tax forms plus a tax computing sheet to "show my work" to the IRS) along with a couple of 1099's of different letters to also add on with the usual W-2's. 

At least I go to auditions now.  I get a callback and that was awesome.  Didn't get the gig, but hey, at least I got a callback.  It was for a commercial too, which was wow.  and everyone seemed really nice.

So...I ask myself.  WHEN will it be MY time?  I had fretted over my procrastinating with the tax deadline, I usually am very good to get things out by Valentine's Day.  I am too cheap to get someone to do my taxes, I reason, but this year was different.  Thank God for TurboTax.  It doublechecked my work and confirmed I would need to fill out the several tax sheets and did it for me for free.  All I had to pay was for the State version, which kicks my butt usually every year, but this year TT is saying I'm getting some money back.  Wowee that would be a first in quite a long damned time, I quip.  I again go I'm so cheap to have anyone do my taxes, I just don't trust confidential information like that to just give out to anybody.

K says it will be in two years.  And I will afford someone to do them for me so I don't have to worry anymore.  Damn, can I hold on that long?  K says it won't be long.  Very confident.  So very confident and proud of me.  I feel blessed.  And grateful.  At times.

And then...I dream.  Will I get there?  I dream of all the things that happened to me, some dreadful office jobs with jealous petty people who had no lives and didn't appreciate that I came in smiling every day.  Because I knew the office was only temporary, it was not going to be my life forever to the grave.  I would do things, travel, see places and people and things, and live a life.  Office life is fine, for a period of time, and then it's time to go.  Get fresh air, look around, explore.  Life's too short to stay in one place and stagnate.

I wonder.  And I continue to dream.  And I plan on my first directorial piece, my directorial debut, on a teaser/trailer I have written, and now may get a camera for.  I can't wait, it's gonna be exciting - weird how things fall into place.  When it's meant to be....and the time is right.  Now.

Wrapped two projects over the course of three days.  At first, it seemed I had three projects lined up, and spoke too soon, letting the good news out.  Now I know I temporarily lost my mind, and paid for it.  But then I regained two of the three projects.  Plus both gigs were paid gigs.  So all's well.  Watched the Oscars tonight, and checking online media in real time, and the haters were out in full force, talking about how boring this year is, and all I can think of is, that's where I want to be, nominated and WINNING.  Well, of course, some day.  One day. 

First project was a one day gig, an "abstract" re-enactment that would not involve featuring my face, and be more along my hand movements, leg movements, back of head, that kind of thing.  I was kind of surprised they still wanted me to sign an image release form.  I typed on a laptop for a sequence and impressed the director who had not realized I was really typing sentences over and over.  He thought I was moving too fast but I slowed down and then explained that my dayjob is as an office assistant.  So he was amused a bit.  The filming went smoothly for the most part, although they seemed to discuss at length about camera angles and mountings for angles and film record speeds.  Otherwise, we did well, and changing my outfits went quick and productive.

We were filming somewhere in Jersey, and it was cold, snow still everywhere.  Despite freezing a bit, we finally got to focus on my work and it was great.

Then I worked over the weekend the two day filming for something I'm being told will be submitted to film festivals.  I am really hoping to see this and hope they follow through.  The filming was quite organized, and we were fed, and kept warm and dry.  We would start filming around 10 and be done by 4, and we got paid at the end of the second day.  One of the better gigs I've had, and paid one at that, not bad.

So I hadn't had a day off in ten days, which was OK.  I was tired but happy.  Then, as it seems to be with the acting world, there were no bites or leads for more acting gigs the following week, it was quiet.  So I faced a weekend where I could catch up on errands, walk the dog and sleep.

I awoke today from some sad heavy dream that put me in a very sad quiet mood.  Have no idea what it was, and yet it kept me in a dark place.  I didn't shake it until a couple of hours ago, and even then, I am not looking forward to going back to the office tomorrow.  Partly because it's an office gig where the people are clearly clueless on how to speak to each other and even more ignorant when it comes to speaking to people who aren't their employee, someone who doesn't answer to them or their respective boss or supervisor.

It helps to have a steady gig while I pursue acting opportunities.  But I exchange one headache for another.  While I take a temp gig to keep the wolf from my door, I still have to struggle with people's quirks, ignorance and stupidity.  This should keep me humbled, reminded and focused that this is not where I want or aspire to be, that my life and career is elsewhere. 

I continue to take notes, remind myself, observe and move towards what I want to do and need to accomplish.

So...the film that went on for months is finished....now what?

After having the "viewing party" at the writer/director's house, I find I have some free time on my hands to let go of this role and move on to the next project.  Check in hand (yup, paid actor to boot!), I made sure it didn't bounce and said my goodbyes and keep in touches, and kept it moving, applying and submitting for acting gigs.  And in one week got three.  Got confirmed for two as definite, one was thinking about utilizing me then never got back to me after the initial email.

So now.....I am ecstatic, and uncharacteristically post updates of what I'm up to on my FB actor page.  Bad idea.  We actors are a superstitious lot and it's not uncommon to find some secret hateration going on amongst fellow actors, even struggling ones.

Soooooo...I was too gleeful and got demands for wanting to know what exactly I was doing from ...some apparent haters who wanted me to prove things and uncharacteristically I gave in and ended up giving up information about the project (like its name) and suddenly, I get dropped from another project.  So now I'm down to one project out of the original three -- this is the one I did not get into details.  I'm human, but I also scold myself for just going down that road and allowing me to get influenced by some idiots who in the end don't pay my rent nor do anything to further my career anyway.

It is a paid gig, so I'm thrilled about that.  And I'll be traveling for a weekend shoot.  I'm very excited about it, because it's far enough but not that far that I can't come home and sleep in my own bed.  Very happy about that!

Studying lines, which is my Achilles heel, being more diligent about memorizing.  Luckily it's not a long piece, I should be fine by end of the week.  Working a temp job in the meantime to help cover home expenses and I'm trying to figure out how to squeeze in getting a new headshot or two to carry me over for the next couple of years.

And I keep submitting, while dealing with the every day things of making sure I'm not underpaid or gypped on something or another.  The life of an actor.

Checking out castings

Some of the descriptions can be informative and helpful in order to help you better understand how to deliver on a role you want to audition for.  Then there are some that can come across rather unbelievable in their description of a character -- it's either very dull, vague or, even worse, insulting.  Some are downright funny.

Here is one that I did a doubletake on today.  Someone's in love with their inventive vocabulary usage.

"(female role) is a famous fashion blogger who loves the internet and post about herself. She is very futile and self-centered, although her goal in life is to be noticed and talked about, she is a pretty and stylish girl."

Now, some would say, "hey I know a girl like that, so the description's not that off.  What is wrong with it?"

I found this to be the doubletake:  "She is very futile..."

Futile is an adjective, but normally not used to describe a person but a person's ACTIONS.  For example, "Resistance is futile" or "The situation is futile", or "In a futile attempt for civility, the President raised his hand to keep the peace."

Unfortunately, this is a very mild version of some of the wilder shit I've seen for female roles.  Perhaps I should post some here in the near future, so you get an idea of what some "typical" casting notices go as these days.

Happy New Year!

A new project is coming into being slowly but surely.  The script (well, scripts in this case, two, and looking to be incorporated somehow with the wizardry of writer/director working with me) is ready, it's a matter of memorizing, working out the details such as what to wear, and we already have the locations for some of it.

I'm hoping that next week I can reach out and let them know I'm ready to start the process.  I asked for some time as it was the holidays and I would get a better idea in a few days.  So it's time to get off my haunches so to speak and start it moving.

I'm pretty excited about it.  As the W/D told me, this would be a showcase for me.  Showcase.  And it's a period piece, so it will be even more exciting and interesting to do.

Will keep tabs here on it.  Just happy to get back on blogger in order to keep my 'diary' of sorts going!

In the past six months, have lost three fellow BG actors

It's been a strange time of loss.  Of people you meet, connect over something you share, and then, they are not there anymore.  That's when you know you've been at something long enough, that you have made some work friendships, and you end up caring and then....the shock of that's it, the end.  Life's so short and precious.  You'd think more people would have an understanding of this, but they let it get lost in the mundane every day of simply trying to survive until tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  Next year I'll travel, next week I'll start my diet, tomorrow I'll go to bed at a decent hour. 

Well, it's either you do it or you don't.  And if you don't, don't belabor it on your deathbed.  Don't let it be your last thought.  Think of the love you got and the laughs and hugs and tears you shared with those you cared about.  Because in the end, that's all that's going to matter to those who were left behind.

I am in a business where it's seemingly normal to not just grieve but to publicly show how much of a connection you have to someone who has recently passed.  Watching people speculate how close were you to someone.  Then it's your time to orate, to give a lengthy speech as if you are on stage about to read a dramatic piece worthy of Shakespeare, pauses, booming voice, tears and all.

I can't do that.  All I can do is say goodbye good friend and you will be missed.  I can't do the crying thing with all these people, it's just not seemly.  I write my note, say what I need to say, but don't go overboard.  In the end, I only know one part of a person who works this life, and it's the part that actor or actress wants to project, it's not their entire life summed up in one line or role.  So I have to approach like what I am, simply an acquaintance, and not to let my fears of mortality override or bleed in to my condolences and goodbyes.

Well, I've spoken enough on it.  It's awkward, but a part of real natural life that pokes its head in every now and then to let me know like everyone else, that you don't know how much time you got.  Best to do your time doing something you love or doing something that will help get you there while overriding any bumps or hiccups.