Am I ready for the spotlight?

Today was a great day, although it started slow and I was feeling lethargic from the rainy weather.  I was vacillating to go and join a writer/director on his auditioning.  He saw it as an opportunity for me to view it from the casting chair as opposed to being the one to audition.  It was very interesting but very cut and dried.  We only had an hour in the room he was renting as the audition space.  There was a table and about six chairs inhabiting the room.  There were no posters or things of interest on the walls, it was very sterile.  I had the "Casting By" documentary on my mind, which talked about a famous female Casting Director based in NYC and got a lot of now known actors their start by casting them in films -- we're talking Dustin Hoffman, Danny Glover, Jon Voight, Al Pacino, James Dean, all those great character actors of the 1950's, 60's, 70's and 80's.  I was thinking about how she had bought a brownstone and converted it into a casting office space, while still keeping a home look about it, so when you went for a casting call there, you didn't feel like you were in a sterile uncomfortable place, it was a home, and was comfortable, people lived there.  It was apparently very cool and she only hired females who in turn learning the trade of casting and went on to form their own careers and casting companies.

So I thought about the warm inviting room versus the cold sterile one I was in, and I could immediately see how actors are already put at a disadvantage, and how casting people can be easily bored or distracted, wanting to get out of that sterile boring room!

Anywho, I met with all the actors for the potential role that was up for grabs.  I read another person's part in order to give the person someone to react and read off of, and for some it worked, some needed work, and at least two really didn't have anything and weren't radiating any energy.  The one that looked very much like the role was nice, but he was just...there was nothing.  I was looking for the give and take, to see what he could do, and he seemed to be more interested in learning the lines and be able to say them from memory when he was clearly stuck and getting worse.   We stopped, and calmed him down, and assured him he could read from the script, and we moved forward.  Again, I was not feeling him, but it was not my decision anyways.

After seeing the various actors, I was asked my thoughts, and I gave them.  The director had his mind set on one guy in particular, and for some reason, although I do recall reading well with him, I couldn't grasp his name.  I couldn't help but notice the director had his name right on his tongue, so I couldn't help but get the impression that he already knew the guy and wanted him before he even read.  So...we'll see how that goes.

What came out of it as well, was an invite to do a reading with some cast members for another film, or play, I think, not sure.  So I went home, happy, satisfied I showed my face and helped out.

I have a smile on my face, happy as can be, and apparently that bothers other people who don't feel that way or are jealous about it.  A woman acted very rudely towards me when I asked rather politely which line was she on when she stepped in front of me as if to get in my way of standing in one of the two cashiers who had two customers each on line with them.  She apparently was trying to save a place on both lines, and was calling out to a young teen boy to come over and "place an order" and he refused three times, each time louder, that he wasn't going to go over and stand with her.

Maybe she wasn't having a good day, but she certainly picked the wrong person to take out her sour attitude on when I asked her what line was she on.  So when she replied "There's one line," with attitude, rolling her eyes up and pursing her lips, I said, "Oh?  There's two registers open here,"  "I said there's ONE line," she raised her voice.  I went over to to the cashier on the left and asked, "Hi, is there one line or two?"  "Well, actually, I was trying to close out, so...." said the cashier making some explanation.  I replied, "OK, no worries," and went to the back of the line.  No attitude given to the cashier, none to the snarky person who was rude to me.  I thought it squashed, but the woman decided to keep talking and referencing me jumping the line.  "I didn't jump the line, I'm standing behind you." I answered, after hearing her lip.

She kept talking, so I just decided to stare at my phone, shrug and decide to ignore her.  She's an idiot, and I'm not going to engage.  Or so I thought.

She gets to place her order and proceeds to continue to bitch about me to the cashier woman I spoke to just a minute or so before.  "No one jumped ahead of you, I'm right here," I said, shaking my head.  Then she started calling me the b-word.  "Calling me names is not going to help here," I said, "No need for it."  "Fuck you b'" she went on.  "Notice I didn't call you names, so there's no need to get rude," I replied.  "I will say what I want, what are you going to do?"  She at first goes she's not going to waste her time putting her hands on me, and I was like, "Yeah, yeah yeah, get your burger and leave."  And she kept yapping, talking about putting her hands on me, and I told her, "Are you thinking of getting physical?  Ask yourself if handcuffs are worth losing a Big Mac over.  I don't have time for your b.s."  "F-k you" she says, calling me the b word and I go, "How original and clever you are, my my."  And I'm shaking my head, and trying not to lose it with her, but once she started talking physical threats about putting her hands on me, I had countered with the handcuffs, and when she kept talking, again about me cutting in front of her, I again said, nothing like that happened, you are now making shit up because I have not cut in front of you, and you had a stank attitude from the minute I met (her).  If you have a bad day that's not my problem, I did nothing to you, and you've been nothing but verbally abusive.  You must've thought by looking at me I was going to shut up and let you talk your nonsense but once you talk physical threats, all bets are off.  You wanna get physical, the police station is three blocks down, how about it?"

I just wanted her to get her burger and get out and leave me alone.  She decided to start walking around like she's in a boxing ring or a Jerry Springer episode and her young son or whatever was telling her to calm down and telling me not to answer her, and I tell him, the reason why she feels she can attack a stranger like this is because she is really angry at you for not coming to her when she told you to come over and stand in line with her.  That's what started all this so she has to understand that if you have a bad day or are angry, you just don't go and take it out on another person because she might not like the consequences of her actions.

And she's still ranting, and the woman cashier who claimed to be shutting down, stayed to apparently watch the whole thing, and seemed to try to empathize with the ranting woman, and the woman kept yakking about getting physical with me and I said "STOP YOUR LIES.  GET YOUR BURGER and SHUT THE FUCK UP, enough already," my ghetto came out, and it was on. 

It was time for me to order, and I was like, "where's her burger?  I'm done with her b.s.," and the woman cashier invites me to go to her for my order.  This meant walking up to be RIGHT NEXT to the ranting woman, and I didn't hesitate to walk right up.  Now was the time to see if this woman was going to do something or not.  "Why you got to stand right up next to me?" she starts, and I put my hand up as if to place a wall between me and her for her to shut up, and I focus on the cashier and state that I'd like a burger and fries, medium Coke.  I had to repeat myself three times while ranting woman is yelling in my ear.  At any time she could've put a finger on me and she knew I had already told her, one touch and it was off to jail we go.

I stood my ground, was amazingly calm and showed her why I was 'standing right next to her' -- the cashier was RIGHT there, in the very same vicinity!  This actually made the ranting woman pause, and I placed my order for the FOURTH time.  The cashier was like, "I"m trying to be polite, and ask what you want," she began.  And I nodded and said, "I'm trying to place my order but I have someone screaming in my ear, can you see why that's hard?"  And the cashier goes, "Yes, I know," and I was thinking, bitch, don't start with me, because you and none of your lackeys are doing anything but gawking and laughing and enjoying the show.  No one is lifting a finger to do anything, not that I expected anyone to, these are people working minimum wage jobs and probably see drama like this every week, but if the cashier thought she was doing me a favor by sticking around to take my order she was full of shit herself.  She was staying to watch the show too.

In the end, the woman left with her burger, her young companion ushering her out, probably relieved that no one was going to jail tonight, and I got my meal.  The cashier goes I should have risen above it, and I looked at her, and said, "I don't expect anyone to come forward from here to straighten things out.  She was in the wrong, and apparently thought by the looks of me that I was some lily white that wasn't going to answer back and just shrivel up scared.  Looks can be deceiving.  Perhaps she'll think twice to not judge someone by their outward appearance and take her attitude elsewhere.  She wants to act ghetto, then you get ghetto back, that's all she seemed to understand.  I tried talking, that didn't work.  I'm here for a meal like everyone else.  That's all I'm saying."  The cashier seemed to realize the point I was making when I looked her in the eye about judging people from their appearance.

I went home, feeling annoyed but I was still determined not to let it affect me.  I was ready for whatever I was going to find outside but there was no one around save for a family getting into their car.  I went home, feeling my body heat from the anger from the situation.  I would have to shake off this negativity from that stranger somehow.  When I got home, I gave the story to my cousin, who was like, "You should have called me, you know I would've been there," and I said, "She was one dial away from the cops, and I left it up to her how she wanted it go down, she had ample opportunity to bring it and she didn't, just a blowhard who was either having a shitty day or a shitty life."

So we talked it out and soon I was laughing a bit, although my nerves fantasized about belting that stupid woman a good one for even threatening a total stranger physically, talking out of her neck only leads to tragedy, I thought.   I don't have to do anything.  Karma will pay her ass a visit.  It's a small world, so we might even meet again.  Maybe this time she'll be contrite, naturally horrified at her behavior.  It's happened.  Or maybe not.  Not holding my breath.

Which leads me to my original thought.  There will be people out there, as I become more visible, who will try to start shit, just for the sake of it, to get their name in the papers, to try to sue me by instigating shit.  Stuff will pop up on TMZ and YouTube.  Ew.  Am I ready for that?  Really ready?  First off, I assume I won't be living where I've been living all my years, and that I will be in a different place.  But do the people really change when the salary or standard of living does?  Something to ponder as well.

So I know...most times, I'm able to keep my mouth shut, but there will be times when I won't.  I wonder how bad it will be.  I don't want it to be.  I was heated when I talked about it with my cousin.  It's several hours later and I'm still wondering what the hell is it about me that certain people just seem to come to want to try to kill my joy.   In my email then appeared the script for the next project.  OMG! I'm happy again, pensive, still dwelling a bit thoughts swirling, but feeling a bit better.

Still, there are times that I think I hate stupid people.
Hate is such a strong word I think.  Then.  Sooooo appropo.
Fuck the haters.  Moving on.  Looked over the script.  Need to work on an accent.  *grin*
Fuck negative thoughts.  Need to find a way to release this anger.  ARggggghhhhhh!

The more things change...the more they stay the same

Finally....after two long years of just solidly doing background and commercial work -- yes finally graduated to doing commercial gigs, amen and hallelujah -- I finally got a co-lead role on a web series.  And in the mail I got...the INVITE.  From the union, to join.  I am now eligible to join.  I was a bit surprised, and also felt like crying.  This was something that should have been in my hands eons ago.  Yet here it is, finally, in my hand, that's my name on the envelope and on the letter, right home address.  Oh my GAWD. 

Never in a million years did I think I would ever get to this place.  But I did it.  Finally!  Of course, having made some working contacts, and putting my wish out to the universe for something to put on a reel, this came into being.  I am so grateful, satisfied, and with the feeling "it's about damned time!" added to it.

Next step?  I could sit and enjoy this, savor it.  Yes, I sure could.  And I will.  Then it's off to start making more commercial money in order to go union.  I also need to add some more tasty meaty roles while still nonunion in order to build up the resume.  While I love background work and it will always have a place in my heart, my humble beginnings, I must also push forward and move up.

And I must frame this letter.  Lordy.  I'm eligible!!!!

Found myself on a blistering hot Saturday

For an Alan Ball project that's supposed to come out on Cinemax sometime in 2013.  I was excited because I am a fan of his work -- Six Feet Under and True Blood, anyone?  I felt it was worth doing the exterior BG work.  I was pleased to get contacted for it, and by 5 am I was checking in just a couple of blocks from the place I was born and grew up.  So it was really cool.  It was a dramatic scene which involved a cool Camaro (in black of course) and screeching of tires, stuntsman running and 'shooting guns' and dodging 'bullets'.  It was pretty awesome!  I found myself running and acting surprised and scared as if I was experiencing it all for the very first time.  Twenty takes, and I was still keeping it fresh.  What helped was having some fun familiar faces to run and act with in BG.  I felt very grateful to be relatively healthy and in shape to run for each and every take.  Some people didn't bother, some claimed they had bad knees and strolled, not even breaking their conversation about something unrelated to what we were doing, but I would just keep it going.  Because this means something to me.  Something more. 

Had an audition earlier in the week, a casting agency saw me on line at a casting site and invited me in.  I made them laugh, and it seems they liked what they saw.  Whether the client actually did is yet to be seen.  I think I nailed it.  Meanwhile, I see them posting for background people.  I haven't heard anything.  Oh well.  Keeping it moving.  I submitted for the BG just in case as it's a good rate. 

Sigh.

Looking for a day job in the meantime as well as continuing to submit for work.  There's a three day gig coming up and I am continuing to submit myself every time I see a casting submission link somewhere about it.  Already three times.  Let's see what happens.  Plus put in for Boardwalk as they're looking for people, and I bide my time and be patient, because I want to get back onto working that one too.  I liked that one a lot, and the clothing and attention to detail was awesome.

I cut my hair to chin length because it's summer.  I hemmed and hawed about it for two months because I was wondering to hold on to the length just in case Boardwalk calls.  Well, if they call, there's hair pieces and if anything, my hair style now is considered very early 1920's anyway.  Have to do something about my eyebrows.  Just got them done over a week ago and they are already fuzzing.  New guy worked on them, as my usual person went and sold the place out and didn't let us know where she was going!  She took most of the staff with her too!  Sheesh!

Well, back to the mines, my friend.

Lack of focus...

Oh dear freakin' Lord.  Since the Glee ep, work has been slow.  I took an office job, temping, and it gets depressing.  I feel time is ticking.  But I must pay the rent and must start going to find a new photographer that's not going to cost me an arm and leg that'll take a decent headshot and commerical pic to last me for the next couple of years.  I also just cut my hair, so time is of the essence.  I also continue to wage an inner dialogue about my weight and continue to snag an oppty here and there to go to a zumba class or sneak in some arm curls.  The focus is just not there.  Boredom is setting in and I've no idea what the next step is. It seems a constant chase for elusiveness and maybe two seconds of showing up in something.  While showing up in something is good, and I have been getting noticed, as a BG you are not supposed to stand out, so even BG I'm like....failing.  I shake my head as I write this because I didn't want to admit that.  There are times I wonder if I'm just being a delusional fool, that if others thought I was really talented, they would've helped me.  But in the end I have to help myself and not look for someone to save me.  I continue on this journey to go after what I want and be happy because life is too damned short to be miserable at something that keeps the wolves from the door but gives nothing to the soul.

The New Normal

Worked on a hush hush t.v. project and couldn't believe what it was -- we were told when we were checked in and sitting in holding by the PA's making a general announcement.  Awesome!  I would post it here but I am trying to avoid having some one having a reason to sue me, so I will play the avoid-y card for now.  Waiting now to see the upcoming The Big C episode I did BG work on.  Should be happening this week or next.  Been watching the 2-2, and have yet to see me show up in the background.  Read that A Gifted Man got canned, so there goes a former gig in NYC for me.  I worked that one a few times as BG. 

Meanwhile, I took on a temp job with abysmal pay, nowhere near what I was making before.  It's really bad out there, and the temp agencies are letting us know it by undercutting our pay "to stay competitive" and they've got temps even running scared.  I figured I would do this one gig, and it turns out it's like a two month gig, and I kept my comments to myself, just merely nodded my head and kept all my answers positive.  After this, I will have to raise my amount or lower the amount of time I am working a gig so I can continue to work my BG stuff as that is what makes me happy and sane, believe it or not. 

I have not gone union, despite the mad rush of others to go, because I simply did not have the money to do so.  The money's not there, and I've already had discussions with family as to where everyone else's money is going because I keep working and no matter how much I make, whether I work in an office or in BG or whatever, it just seems to disappear and I'm still hearing how we're behind in our bills. 

AUGH!

work work and more work

Late December, January and part of February were pretty quiet. Thought I was going to tear my hair out. Been jobhunting like crazy, and for a few nibbles, all's quiet. Everyone has a wish list but can afford to be choosy over who they want for the paltry salary they're waving. Pisses me off.

Meanwhile, I work for minimum wage. At least BG is interesting. Worked on Smash several times, Gifted Man, The 2-2, (now called NYC 22), L&O SVU, The Big C and Unforgettable. Finally was able to break out the nurse scrubs for an unnamed project, let's see what happens with that. A fellow BGer decided to take the plunge, got his AFTRA waiver and decided to go union. I'm happy for him, really.

I continue to job hunt as well as apply for part-time jobs and submit for auditions. I am really hustling best I can and staying positive.

woot woot! things have been in a whirl

Have been getting some regular work via Grant Wilfley and Central Casting. Even got gig from Liz Lewis for my first music video. Can't complain. Came off the summer finishing on Boardwalk Empire's second season, the year 1921, and have already seen myself twice! AiEEEEEE! It's so awesome! Several people, non-actors and fellow BGers, saw me as one of the protesting maids for the season 13 premiere (Scorched Earth ep.) of Law & Order SVU. I even heard myself, I was very featured, it was awesome.

I got a call for more background work, and found myself on Gifted Man (again I appeared on camera but crossing the street, oh well). I have been submitting for Nurse Jackie but nothing has come of it. I mean, I have scrubs, I can play a visitor, nurse, or patient. I could even do pedestrian again. I meet others that manage to get on that set and they tell me to just keep trying, and keep submitting. So I keep submitting.

Worked an unforgettable two days on Unforgettable. We're talking 15 hour days a piece. A lot of waiting around, in order for them to set up cameras to make the show as special as it is as the main character has something like photographic memory so a scene has to be filmed multiple times from different ways.

The spring and summer came and went. By the end of August, I had a week off, just to relax in time for the long holiday weekend. But I was itching. I wanted to keep the momentum going. I got another call from SVU, and off I went to play a basketball mom for a young teenager in a banquet scene. It was very nice, and they fed us, and the scene went well and the director was thrilled it went along smoothly and let us know it. We were even thanked by one of the main guest star actors, and we got to see some famous basketball players like Carmelo Anthony. The boys that were with me and other "mothers" were thrilled and starry eyed, it was funny to see.

Meanwhile, I kept submitting for roles. Went on auditions, and didn't put too much stress on myself for it. I had fun, and read my lines, and just went with it. If I didn't get a call within a week, I didn't stress about it. I would continue to submit for new jobs, and then I got some paid audience work so I wasn't about to have the time to dwell and brood over things. Got work on some independent films and was happy to have fun playing the curvy woman who shows up at the wedding kind of thing and just had fun.

Now I have an early morning calltime, and I had to go to a fitting over a week ago in order to go to this. It's been really exciting, but early morning call times can be a challenge. I have no idea how many people are going to be in the scene tomorrow but I am going to continue to be strong, stay focused, and stay positive.

Did I also mention I started doing the 1,600 a day for the month of November challenge? I couldn't even summon a 1,000 words, only over 600. I put it on draft. Sloooooowww beginning indeed.